My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
