hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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