Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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