i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You may now shotgun with the bride
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
