The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
