I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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