Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
