shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
