i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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