dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
