Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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