I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
