It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
