It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
