She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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