Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
