Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
