so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
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He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
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So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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