I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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