Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just want nice things and good sex
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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