Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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