Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
