I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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