Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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