im six kinds of drunk right now
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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