I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I think your dad took our porno
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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