First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
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i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
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i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.