why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
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someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
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He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible