It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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