Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Randomize
