Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
