How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
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he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
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Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
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