I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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