Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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