Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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