Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
