He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
