whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
