My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
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and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
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Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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