Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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