Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
