I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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