Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
