He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
