I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
