I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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