I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
