Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
