My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
