when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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