How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
