Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
