Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
