My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
