Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
