I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
