I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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