You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
