Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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